Reflections

I found this today... It was if I wrote it all over again. It's amazing how much we relive pieces of our lives.

I Trust You

You took my sins and bore them all, I trust you
You guide my steps and break my fall, I trust you
I've been let down
I've broke my crown
I've torn my heart, my soul apart
But you give to me a brand new start
I trust you
Through fire you've put me, through pain and heartache
Why do I cry for another's sake?
My heart beats within me with a beat of another
You've given me the grace to feel for my brother
I understand not why
I cry and I cry
'Why this burden?' I might question.
But I don't,
No I won't, 'cause I trust you.

You'd think I'd be used to new beginnings by now. Infact, I seem to never get far before I'm starting all over again. Sometimes I wonder if it's not my own doing. Do I make this happen? Take ever opportunity to start over? Am I afraid to settle in, to stick-with-it? I don't think so... but I say I am. I know words carry so much power, and yet I am constantly saying things like, I don't commit, I'm not a loyal person, I'm confused, I don't know myself, and I can't make decisions. But it's not true. None of it. I don't know why I'd like people to think of me as unattached, indifferent... and perhaps superior/ above-it-all (controlled and logical), going wherever the wind blows me with not a care in the world. The truth is, I don't forget a single soul I meet, I commit but say I don't so no one will know if I fail, I know exactly what I want but argue so much with myself that I can only say 'I'm confused' to the world, and I make decisions but they all amount to nothing. Nothing, because I tell myself they probably will; I can't make decisions, remember? And there's no one but God to tell me otherwise. And He has been. All my life, I've felt Him guiding me through all the pain and heartache, just to show me I can't escape what He made me; I'm a determined creature, too passionate for my own good, too loyal to let go when even I think I ought to, and not at all as pessimistic as I think I am (though, it is so much easier to believe the best for others than for myself). I go into something completely aware of the probability of failure and disappointment and rejection, infact I tell myself I expect it. I'm not hoping for anything, really, but it's all I know. To keep reaching for hope, keep loving, keep giving... I just keep thinking I'll run out of hope and things to give. But I don't, because the river is an endless source. In Christ, we have a constant well of understanding, forgiveness, love, and compassion to draw from. Why don't our friendships or other relationships (family, marriage, etc) last then? Do we at some point just decide to stop giving? Or perhaps we find ourselves being pulled apart, and to give, over so wide a chasm, proves almost impossible. You could always build a bridge... a bridge over troubled water. As my sister would say, "Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it." We think once we've grown apart we can no longer grow together. A bridge can be built just as the foundation of the relationship should be, with time, prayer, constancy, and communication. Sounds like a lot of work, but it's worth it, isn't it, if it's going to last you an eternity? I keep telling myself it is, but then I find myself the only one making that time and being constant, like the morning star... constant and alone on the horizon. And I'm tired. I'm not about to give up though, no matter how many times I have to start over. (*thia